I’m taking a quick break from writing jokes to send Jay Leno about penis pump prices in America. It’s quite a living I’ve etched out for myself here. I’m sitting under the dome at the State Library of Victoria musing. I could have continued my studies in psychology and kept working as a behavioural therapist. Instead, I’m hopping on planes in and out of Hollywood to make sure the world hears my dick jokes. How noble of me.
Thinking back to two weeks ago when I was standing in front of the 900-year-old Buddhist temple of Angkor Wat, I remember my eyes welling up upon sighting the vast stone wonder. All I ever wanted to do as a kid was travel and create. It’s happening.
Though the thought of intrepid adventure usually grants me a gentle grin, I’m having a blue day. I feel unsettled and lost in the sporadic lifestyle of a traveling entertainer. The first problem is that I can’t go back to my apartment to sleep in my own bed. I rented out my room while I was away and I’m about to leave again. It seemed logical to let the tenant stay until I’m back from my next trip. So I’m crashing at my parents’ place while they’re on holiday. This doesn’t feel like home either. My younger sister invaded my childhood room a few years back. Now it feels like my memories of growing up there were stripped away along with the old wall paint. Even Melbourne feels distant despite me being back for a few days now. The city has hummed along in my absence without even stopping to ask where I was. Streets are just streets. Buildings are just buildings. I can’t seem to find a place that anchors me to a sense of home right now.
This and being broken up with upon my return have left me to reassess my life choices.
Being away can do two things to a relationship: make you realise how much you value it or strain it to the point of disrepair. I’m trying to decide if I want to keep putting my relationships to that test. My broad shouldered friend, Bart, told me that if it doesn’t work out with a woman after only being away a month, then it probably wasn’t right anyway. I agree. I think. Well, not really. I fear my transient presence could be dampening my ability to connect with people. I don’t know for sure. Staying in one place doesn’t guarantee that you build more stable relationships but I suspect that it helps. Coupled with losing a sense of belonging in my home town, the loss of an intimate connection is enough to bring me pause.
The answer won’t be clear to me for a while, perhaps. I can only keep checking in with myself to consider life’s priorities. But as I look back over at my phone to re-read the headline “The US Overspent Millions on Penis Pumps” I think, oh well, at least I’ll always have dick jokes.